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The PACE Paper

VANCOUVER'S REALEST NEWS

Totally, definitely, real.

 

Elon Musk Completes Project Planet Laser

Marek C.

President Elon Musk in a meeting with world leaders.

When you were young, you probably played with a laser pointer with a cat. What you probably haven't played with is a laser the size of a planet.

 

This is not a prank document from our White House, rather a multi-trillion dollar project built by our president. On October 25th, 2020, Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and SpaceX has become the richest man in the world, with a net worth of $1,000,000,000,001. He has also won the 2020 presidential election, making him the richest and one of the youngest presidents in the history of the United States. On January 25th, 2021, he has officially become president. His first order as president was to invest all US tax money and 25% of his net worth to begin the secret project of a planet sized laser. Only the top members of the illuminati secret society were informed of this project, with the builders and public. being told they were building a moon-sized Cybertruck as a trophy for Musk’s presidency. 

Construction officially started on January 29th, 2021. Musk started with building the core of the project by constructing a giant spaceship vacuum cleaner to suck up the powerful energy of Jupiter’s red dot, the storm that has been raging on for hundreds of years. This was the source of all power on board.

 

Elon was going to build the space station on Pluto, the dwarf planet beyond Neptune. He has explained why after the project was completed.

 

“I definitely didn’t build it on Pluto to hide it from the US government. It’s not illegal to blow up a city or anything."

 

Musk sent thousands upon thousands of spaceships containing parts built on Earth for the laser. He has drilled into the core of Pluto and used the injected the red dot into it to use as an energy source, laser power source, and also works as artificial gravity. On March 30st, 2025, the project was completed and officially announced to the public. The ruse of the giant Cybertruck was explained by Musk on March 31st, 2025.

 

“I disguised the project as a giant Cybertruck as people love the Cybertruck so I thought they would get excited.”

The laser is the exact same size as Earth’s moon, with thrusters on every side to move wherever the “planet” wants to. The name unveiled as “Planet Laser” was given as it has a giant crater with a laser weapon capable of precisely targeting anything in our solar system. One of the builders of the “Planet Laser,” Jason Kerowski says, “I am outraged at the lies and deception of our so-called 'Great Leader.' I was a huge Cybertruck fan, everyone in my family had one as I forced them to. I am so disappointed about not getting a giant Cybertruck.”

 

One civilian, Ryan Smith, says “I don’t like the “Planet Laser,” the fact that our president can destroy anything with the touch of a button worries me.”

 

Elon states “I got the idea for planet laser from playing with my cat. I found a laser can control many things.”

 

We sent a message 5 years ago to Alexa Bartinok, one of the commanders who stayed on Pluto the entire project. We asked her what she thought about the project. She responded a month ago with “Isn’t it just a Death Star? Like the one from Star Wars? That’s it right?” After that interview was released to the public, Disney filed a lawsuit saying that Musk did not have the rights to use their design as one of his own. Musk responded with “I made a “Planet Laser,” not a Death Star. They are completely different things and are not similar at all.” 

 

We asked Musk a question after the lawsuit. We asked what he was going to do with such a weapon. He responded with “I typed in the coordinates for the first test fire. It’s definitely not Disney Headquarters. I mean, why would I hate them? Am I crazy, because I’m pretty sure I’m not crazy. Is it getting hot in here?” 

"Planet Laser" blueprint. Definitely 100% original.

Pace News looked through the entire 401 page file to find more about the “Planet Laser.” We discovered that there is a tiny hole leading straight down into the reactor. Hypothetically, if we threw a rock down there, the whole thing would explode. We don’t know why Musk did that, with an IQ of supposably 155. He has also spent a million dollars on Stormtrooper cosplay costumes with his face taped on the helmet.

 

Everyone is confused about what Musk has planned for the “Planet Laser.” It seems the only person who knows what it’s for is Musk himself.

 

High Tech Bathroom You Can't Live Without!

Jayden L.

Have you ever been on the toilet and got bored? Have you ever wanted to play video games on the toilet but your mom won't let you? If your answer is yes to any of those things then this is your item, The Smart Bathroom! 

 

Firstly, it  has a built-in gaming system and a 50 inch TV so you can play and watch while you go do your business/use the toilet and not get bored.

 

Second, FREE FOOD!  You can eat anything from McDonalds, the toilet has a portal to McDonalds just ask the toilet. Next if you want more privacy it can turn invisible(and you), but unfortunately if people can’t see you then if they look in the bathroom and they see no one they will think there is know one and sit on youThis toilet also has a bunch of tools like guns,chainsaws and hammers you need for like a war or nuclear war(if there is one) this thing is starting out for 599.99$.

                                  

If the toilet wasn't good enough and/or would like a bigger or possibly better thing then this is your item, The Awesome Shower !It has 8 different modes from drizzle shower and can squirt multi color foam that cleans 5 times faster than soap or shampoo with the then power of a hose water going 250 miles per hour.

 

Also, it's huge! It’s even bigger than a walk-in closet and has extremely shiny and smooth marble walls. The shower even has its own dryer though it might be a bit cold.

 

Lastly, there's a TV! You can stay entertained in the shower. The TV even has every channel in the world!

 

The Smart Bathroom starts at the low low price of $1,299.99! Get one today!

Studying With Memes: Entertaining & Effective

Leon H.

Got a test coming up? Don’t study with regular, boring textbooks; do it right, with memes. 21-year-old Miglerrum Meman recently got accepted into Nabob Oolong University (NOU), one of the most respected schools in the area. Meman would like to share some tips on getting into your own dream school.

“I literally got the worst grades in high school, I failed all my classes and the teachers hated me, yet I still got accepted into one of the best Universities in the state of Placeland”, says Meman. “As to how I did it, the secret is memes, I looked at educational memes for at least 6.9  hours to prepare for any significant test. Ever since my father introduced this style of studying to me, I just couldn’t go back”. After applying this study tactic, Meman’s grades have increased by over 420%, evidence that studying with memes is effective.

Researchers at NOU found that studying with memes is 690% more effective than traditional studying. Studying with memes can improve a wide variety of subjects. Studying with memes has resulted in a major growth in a person’s vocabulary, and has an impact on their spelling and grammar as well. Though this impact may be going in the wrong direction, it can easily be counteracted by using extensions such as Memerly or GoodSpel.

A meme that teaches kids that some equations more than one answer.

Furthermore, studying with memes has also shown better design skills. Creating your own memes requires extensive knowledge of all the hot jokes and trends, as well as which format works best with that joke. Memes also inform you about current events. Many memes are based on significant events that are happening currently. Some examples are memes about the Coronavirus, some people did not know that the Coronavirus existed, but after they see memes about it, they can now take countermeasures to ensure that they don’t get it.

An informational meme about the new, deadly coronavirus, and how you can prevent it.

“I have created hundreds of memes, but only a select few blew up”, says Meman. “I can tell my memes are improving along with my vocabulary and design skills”. Meman is very excited to be attending NOU as it will help him achieve his dream of becoming a meme himself someday.

Memes are not only a fantastic source of entertainment but, also a great tool to help improve your academic performance. The story of Miglerrum Meman really shows the positive impact of having fun while you learn.

A meme that describes the benefits of educational memes versus textbooks.

Scientist Discovers a New Species: Volbages

Tim H.

On Feb 1, 2020, a scientist found a new species living in the center of a volcano in Hawaii. 

 

“I was just walking around the volcano and throw my garbage bag into the volcano like every other days. But something unbelievable happened! Something popped out of the lava and the garbage bag was gone! Then some green liquids come out of the lava and I saw a disgusting creature coming out of the lava! I’m so scared so I throw a big rock at it but the creature breaks it into pieces!”

 

Phil Polano, the scientist, named it "Volbage".

 

The Volbage is a metre tall and 30 cm wide but doesn’t have legs, mouth, or nose because it doesn’t need them. Volbage have giant ears, it is about 50 cm long and it is rectangle shape to block loud noise. The ear also helps volbage to cool down when it is hot outside. Volbage’s face is small, but flat like a piece of paper and has three eyes on it. Under its head, it come the hands. Volbage have three hands to help itself stand, and it only have three fingers on each hands. Volbage also have a long tail and it have a snake head on the end and stings around it

 

President Trump commented on the discovery. He said, “We are trying to see if the Volbage will thrill people live, and  if it does, we will try our best to kill it.”

 
 
 

AutoPilot - The Hot New Trend

Yoyo Z.

Self-driving cars had been annoyed by people for a long time in the past. Some people might need to talk on their phone while driving, and others might just be tired of paying attention to their car after a long tiring day. That’s when autopilot came to help.

Autopilot (which’s full name is automatic-pilot) is one of the hottest trends that had been used, it has been researched and developed for many years, but only been commonly used for about one year. It gives a vehicle (a car or a plane) an automatic drive. It can even calculate the quickest roads to where you are going, and find parking lots and park in them. 

 

In the past, the first autopilot, “Stanford Cart” was made back in 1961, even though it can only move one meter in 20 minutes, but it was really something for the old people. In 2004, “Sandstorm”, another autopilot ran 11.9091 kilometre in an autopilot race. In 2018, the first real autopilot was made, and was ready to sell.

 

Now, many people are impressed by autopilot’s great usage, many people started to buy them in car factories like Volvo, Tesla, and Cadillac, which made those factories earn a lot of money by selling them.