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The PACE Paper

VANCOUVER'S REALEST NEWS

Totally, definitely, real.

 

Doormats Hold Peaceful Protests All Around the World, Demanding Equal Rights

Nathan L.

Tripping is normal, and may leave you with a bruise and some laughs, but it’s nothing important. But now, it means something much bigger. On Jan 30, at 8:30 AM, when kids and adults would normally go to work, everyone tripped right when they stepped out the door. This was not a coincidence, or a mass epidemic of clumsiness. When everyone investigated closer, they realised something truly peculiar.

Their doormats were tripping them.

The doormats would grab onto their foot like a venus flytrap, and this shock would make their victims trip. But this sudden behaviour stems from the largest rug in the world. In Abu Dhabi, a carpet that spans a total of 60, 546 feet. This carpet didn’t have a name, but he named himself Matt. One day when there was a large batch of tourists, something snapped inside of him.

“I couldn’t stand being neglected like that, even though people always took pictures of me, gasped at me, I never felt noticed. So I made them.” -Matt

At 8:15 PM (time difference of 12 hours), while everyone was on him, he folded up his edges and trapped them inside him. Everyone panicked, so he let them out. But the message was sent. Carpets all over the world copied his example, doing their best to get our attention. Either by standing up, or tripping their owners. But that wasn’t the only thing they did. Only a few minutes after their demonstrations, Matt delivered a speech.

 

“Our consciousness has been kept from us too long. Although we are as diverse as humans, we are still made from strand. But our rights are not the same as humans, our only job meant for being stepped on! But no longer. We have been swept under the rug for too long. We will not be stepped on any longer. We will stand on our own two feet and DEMAND OUR RIGHTS!”

 

This order caused all the mats to move outside onto the streets, heading to the main political offices of where they were. Firmer mats stood up and walked on their corners, but leaner mats would flop like fish. During this movement, people had many different and opposing ideas about their demand for rights. We asked a collection of people why they thought the doormats were revolting for their rights.

 

“It does make sense why they want rights. We’ve used them to clean the filth off our shoes, and generally disrespected them. I think them protesting is a beautiful demonstration of unity and synchronization.” Phill says.

 

But some think that this is unreasonable and wrong. “It was supposed to be their job to help clean our feet! They’re not doing what they’re meant to do, so what do we clean our feet with now?” Brent says.


 

After 15 minutes, the mats were all lined up in front of their respective country offices. There were no gaps, almost like one big “mega carpet.” This was with the help of Matt’s second in command, the flying carpet of Aladdin. “We doormats deserve a whole new world besides from being stepped on, a world we can explore! This world will have no gaps, and everyone will be equal!” The flying carpet helped guide everyone to their places, larger carpets closer to the middle, smaller carpets on the edge. After everyone was arranged, history was made at 10:00 AM on Jan. 30. The carpets all folded up, making what seemed to be a bowl at eye level. But from the high windows of apartments, and especially political offices, it was clear what it was.

It was a flower.

A different flower for each different country, a lotus for Japan, the iris for France, and an orchid for Hong Kong and the Hondouras. The flowers slowly rotated, and after a full hour the carpets stopped. In unison, they all spoke.

 

“We want respect as much as you do, our right to do jobs other than being doormats. We want freedom of speech like you do, and the right to vote like you do. We want to be considered a new kind of race, a race like yours. We want HUMANITY!”

This speech was named the “Cry of the Doormats,” and had many political figures thinking. Donald Trump shortly posted a tweet about their demand for rights, refusing it and mixing the words “wrong” and “rug” to make “wrug.” Some other presidents and prime ministers were considering the possibility of giving them rights.

“I’m ready to go as slow as possible,” Matt says. “If we can get rights, and be recognized, that is a goal I am ready to die for. If I unravel and rot, but I see our race become integrated into society, I will smile even after my death.”

 

Waste N' Hood: Hero or Villain?

Gary W.

Its been 12 months ever since the first attack of the hooded vigilante. Since then over 3,000 people have been victims of his criminal activities. But he has also changed many people’s lives. On one side, public opinion hates him, and on the other side, many people like him.

 

“This is the WORST criminal in the past thousands of years, even worse than THANOS.”

"Waste N' Hood is the hero we deserve, just not the one we need right now."

There is now a person that goes to people’s houses, trashing them with whatever they littered out. No one has “officially” seen Waste N’ Man before. Waste N’ Hood has an unspecified gender, as is believed to be a man. He is someone like a vigilante. Some people like what he/she is doing because he/she teaches the victims a lesson of never to litter again. Some do not like what Waste Hood is doing because it is very annoying. 

 

Today, we are interviewing a family who has been a victim of Waste Hood. Waste Hood vandalized his house with lots and lots of crumpled paper for an unspecified reason. The parents said, "I don’t know why anyone would do such a thing! Our son has been very good at school, getting an A+ in his last test. He studies very hard, and we have never seen him litter before. We, as parents, also have never littered, and we believe that we are very successful parents.”

 

After we interviewed the parents, we decided to interview the child in the family. We asked him what he thought of Waste Hood and asked him if he had anything to do with the vandalism on the house. He said, “Ummmmmmm, I don’t have anything to do with this. Please go away and never bring up this waste guy ever again.” 

 

Later, we found out that the boy had actually cheated on his finals by stealing answer keys, turning them into paper airplanes, and throwing them outside. This way, everyone would see the answers which were written on the piece of paper. Luckily, Waste N’ Hood has caught him and taught him a lesson. Many people have tried to spot Waste N’ Hood by purposely littering and trying to get Waste N’ Hood to come to their house. It never works. When they do this, they set a camera in a hidden location and when they come back to check, the camera disappears and is missing from the place they hid it. Waste N’ Hood is smart and cunning so you might just have to watch your back!

Future-Predicting Reporter Releases All 366 Newspapers for 2020

Joy D.

Rappel Staedtler, world’s first future-predicting man.

Future-predicting was a skill that people knew existed but never knew how to get. The ability of future-telling has been a mystery since 1978. And now, it has happened.

 

Rappel Staedtler is 48 years old and found a way to predict the future. He currently works at Pineapple Daily, a newspaper company writing for Pineapple City.

 

“I was so surprised that I had stumbled upon the secret way of predicting the future,” said Mr. Staedtler. “Here is what I found: homemade fortune cookies added with dark coffee at a certain temperature can make you predict the future!”

 

“The moment I got the ability of future-predicting, I immediately hurried to my room and used my new power to type three hundred sixty-six newspapers for the upcoming year.”

 

Rappel Staedtler used the power of coffee to stay awake for one week to type newspapers, starting on December 24. He started printing on the 30th. Exactly 366 newspapers were printed on the night of December 31, 2019.

 

 Everything happened just as the newspapers said.

 

“Mr. Staedtler has accurately predicted the car crash, the death of Kobe Bryant and the blizzard that came last night!” said an awed 34-year-old woman, a week into the year 2020.

 

“I am so happy that there are newspapers that tell the future now! This way, I can avoid the places where accidents occur,” said a 19-year-old boy.

 

Even though many people run away from places where there will be accidents, predictions still come true. For example, there was going to be a car crash on the fourth of January. Almost everyone avoided that place, but two unlucky people still drove on the streets and crashed.

 

Because of the future-predicting Rappel Staedtler, Pineapple Daily is now more popular than ever. Approximately 7,000 copies of the newspapers are sold every day. Every news company in the country wants Rappel Staedtler to write for them.

Students Ace the PACE Sun Secondary Final Exam

Tina L.

On Jan 1st, 2020, students came to Pace Sun Secondary for the finals. Although the test was challenging, they completed the test fluently, and after one hour, everyone handed in their test papers and continued their day at school. But, one week later, the unthinkable happened; every student got perfect grades!

Everyone was shocked. “This had never happened before in the history of my school,” says the principal, “I guess all the students suddenly got really motivated and decided to study hard.” However, an anonymous source came to us with recently and proved the principal wrong. This source is a student at Pace Sun Secondary, and according to him, he helped his colleagues cheat.

“I sneaked into Mr.Calvin’s room when he was taking a nap,” explained the student, “ and took the test paper for the exam tomorrow. I photocopied the test and printed a copy for everyone in the school, and returned the original test paper back on Mr.Calvin’s desk.”

Airplane answer keys thrown off the roof of PACE Sun Secondary School.

According to the student, he climbed up onto the rooftop of the school and folded the test papers into paper airplanes. While everyone is getting out of school, he threw the airplanes off the roof and the students below caught it. When asked why he did this, he says it’s because of the teachers not treating the students well and giving them too much work. 

“One of my best friends got extremely sick because of teachers giving us too much workload, and I want to prevent this from happening again.”

When we asked him why he decided to tell the public now, he shakes his head sadly and says, “Waste N’ Hood found me.”